Here’s what happened when Handforth Parish Council got elected to No10 – Fleet Street Fox

*logs on*

The extraordinary meeting of the Not Taking The Blame For Any Of This Committee of Her Majesty’s Government of Handforth Parish Council, Friday February 5, 2021.

Cast: Prime Minister Boris Johnson, Cabinet Minister Michael Gove, Chancellor Rishi Sunak, Head Girl Priti Patel, and various ne’er do wells.

In cost of proceedings: Head of the Be Civil Service and parish clerk with 25 years’ expertise, Mrs Jackie Weaver.

Don’t mess together with her

Boris Johnson, HERO OF THIS PARISH: Can we begin this unlawful meeting now?

Offstage, sotto voce : F*** off.

Jackie Weaver: We can begin the meeting, Prime Minister, and might I simply counsel everybody flip their microphones off.

[Nobody turns their microphones off, someone hits record]

Johnson: Can we be assured that I will not be thrown out of the meeting like final time?

Weavertron: So lengthy as all members hold their trousers on and chorus from frotting the chair leg they could stay within the meeting.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson speaks during a press conference at Downing Street on January 27
“Is that a legal order from a proper officer?”

Johnson: Point of order, that is not a authorized order and this isn’t a correct meeting.

Michael Gove, deputy hero of this parish: Point of order. Has the unlawful meeting began but?

Matt Handcock’s iPad: I’m in an unlawful meeting, can I name you again? Yes, it is a typo, I would like to change it within the settings, communicate later.

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Johnson: Dearly Brexited, we’re gathered right here to contemplate the entire s***present of the previous year and who’s to blame. Let me quote the standing orders. When in bother, the Prime Minister might apportion blame to the Opposition. If that fails, blame the NHS. If that fails, blame the residents of the UK. After that he might seize the crown and set up the Righteous Sunshine Kingdom of Boris Unicorns and This’ll Be Over By Christmas.

Weavertrix: This is a rare meeting referred to as to contemplate whether or not somebody who misses 5 COBRA conferences in a pandemic can actually be Prime Minister.

Johnson: You do not know what you are speaking about. STOP TALKING. God is aware of why I’m on this job, it is giving me an ulcer.

Gove: I believe it could be very simple to alter the structure to make you king, no downside in any respect. Can I be deputy king?

Rishi Sunak, Alternative Prime Minister: Shall we elect another Prime Minister?

“I have perfected the slightly cross-eyed look and everything”

Johnson, HERO: Who is that this man?

Gavin Williamson: OOOOOOOH!

Johnson, HERO: Raab, will you cease attempting to be whoever you are attempting to be? Or I’ll blame you for shielding a overseas spy who killed an area boy, and the very fact the transport committee did not petition the county council for improved signage on that highway.

Gove: I famous Rishi Sunak has modified his Zoom title to Prime Minister. Could anybody make clear how that happened and whether or not actually I needs to be sucking up to him?

Robert Jenrick, guffawing regional department supervisor: I’ve {a photograph}!

Weavergod: Prime Minister, this meeting has grow to be a chaotic as your love life. In a speech final February you mentioned coronavirus would set off a panic “beyond what is medically rational to the point of doing real and unnecessary economic damage”. As per standing order 1 of a sane and affordable democracy, will you settle for that you’ve got taken greater than a year to begin being medically rational, and thereby have achieved actual and pointless financial harm we may have bloody nicely prevented?

Johnson: MRS WEAVER PLEASE. You don’t have any authority right here, no authority in any respect! You are a mere feminine!

[Johnson is ejected from government]

Gove, bristling: The deputy’s right here, I take cost now. Read the justifications we ready! READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM!

[Gove is ejected from government]

Weaversaurus Rex: What appalling behaviour. Shall we elect a brand new Prime Minister?

Rory Stewart, for it’s he: I’m so sorry you had to see that, Mrs Weaver. But it was an excellent instance of bullying in Whitehall and its environs.

Priti Patel: God, am I nonetheless on the naughty step?

“No-one with a flag in their Zoom background can possibly have a soul made of snakes and gravel”

Gove to Mrs Gove, who has reconnected: Just go away it Sarah, flip it off! We’re attempting to have a Teams meeting subsequent door, you idiot! We cannot for those who’ve got the iPad!

Current incarnation of Grant Shapps: AHA HA HA HA HA!

Gove: I’m going to subpoena all people!

[flushing noises]

Stewart: I believe it’s a bit wealthy from a Prime Minister who prevented COBRA conferences for months to name this one unlawful. The truth there have been no cobras at these conferences is irrelevant.


Theresa May: New Prime Minister, welcome to the job and will I say how disrespectful it’s for SOME PEOPLE to be laughing like hyenas whereas sitting in my seat?

“How can I be disruptive when I’ve been muted?”

[shot of random head banging on desk]


Patel: Your Majesty Weaver, can I counsel we arrange a sub-committee of the Naughty Step steering group for the Not Taking The Blame For This committee?

Weaverbomb, sighing: It’s not going to be completed this aspect of Christmas, is it?

Handcock: If they promise to behave themselves, can we allow them to run the nation?

Everyone: No. They’ve killed 110,000 already.

Gove: Please refer to me as Britney Spears any longer.

2021: s*** simply got weirder

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