Free pizza, a boat journey, and a warm hug from Priti Patel – no wonder migrants are desperate to get to the UK – Fleet Street Fox

On Wednesday evening, a authorities minister demanded to know: “How did a boy from Iraq end up on these shores, without a word of English at the age of 9, and become the Secretary of State for Education?”

In a rotten and unreasonable nation, such a question would lead to unfounded claims that this Education Secretary should be a terrorist-in-ready who had “gamed the system” with “activist lawyers”, to declare advantages and get a free home.

But as a result of Britain is a lovely and enlightened place, that boy is now a 54-year-old millionaire, who co-based a agency using 1,000 folks, owns a £100m property empire, and regardless of attending the Cenotaph a number of instances alongside the Royal Family has thus far not blown any of them up.

Which is why Nadhim Zahawi, who had requested the question about himself, answered it by saying: “This is the greatest country in the world, my friends!”

And so it’s that a authorities full of refugees and the kids of refugees, led by an immigrant Prime Minister, and with its borders managed by a girl born in Watford whose dad and mom had been Asian by the use of Africa, has made Britain irresistible to not many migrants.

First there’s the pretty boat journey, which takes a fast 10-hour tour by means of the world’s busiest delivery lane, with sightseers perched on snug semi-inflated plastic and lashed with welcoming chilly salt water.

The engine might or might not fail, there might or might not be life jackets, but it surely’s a nice day journey for which you and your fellow passengers can be required to pay terrifying criminals a mere £200,000 or so, and as a bonus yow will discover out whether or not hypothermia is a delusion.

Halfway throughout, any passing sea captain with a ethical compass might shepherd you to shore, or you may be picked up by the coastguard, Border Force, or RNLI. There can be a pretty foil blanket which is yours to hold, and quick detention.

Migrants preferring to keep away from the forms can simply wander aimlessly away from the seashore, the place the different finish of the folks trafficking operation can be ready to take them to a lifetime of slavery, prostitution, or different effectively-worn career path. In the case of kids, they’re going to be warmly welcomed by the intercourse commerce.

But should you stick to the officers, you may be fed a lukewarm pizza or hen kebab, by the use of introduction to the nice British culinary custom of creating international meals magnificently worse.

The authorities can pay £20 for every kebab, as a result of it is solely taxpayers’ money, and you’ll subsequently be anticipated to feed your self with a candy, candy handout of £5.66 a day, which may even offer you sneakers, clothes, cleaning soap, toothpaste, and anything you want.

This is to train you ‘budgeting’, and is a determine agreed by individuals who suppose that £81,321 a year is someplace under the poverty line, and £37bn to not monitor or hint is nice worth for money.

“Mum, why is £2,066 for us every year daylight robbery, while £81,321 for them is not enough to live on?”


AFP through Getty Images)

Once ashore, dry, and fed, you may be interrogated, and given a free coach journey to the different finish of the nation the place you possibly can be taught extra about a nation which offered off most of its social housing stock for votes 30 years in the past, and is due to this fact compelled to put you up in a lodge its taxpayers will, once more, be paying by means of the nostril for, as a result of they worth you so extremely.

Others could also be given the likelihood of a shut inspection of the coronavirus security measures and hygienic dwelling circumstances fully absent in an deserted barracks that’s unfit for human habitation. In both case, the possibilities are you may give you the chance to witness crime, psychological sickness, sexual violence and, should you’re fortunate, develop some publish-traumatic stress your entire personal.

You can then count on a lengthy vacation lasting something up to 3 years whereas an asylum application is processed, throughout which we insist you not raise a finger to do any work, in case you by chance find yourself paying some tax, or paying to your personal lodging.

It is far most well-liked these ready for the proper to stay enter the shadow economic system the place we will not take taxes from them, and hopefully mimic main international firms by sending their income offshore.

You will not be requested to go away, as a result of this authorities has taken again management of its borders by giving up the proper to deport migrants to their level of entry into the EU, with the ever-fashionable Brexit that so many individuals who dislike migrants voted for.

“I am so confused right now”



We know that most individuals who come on small not-a lot-of-a-boats will declare asylum, and that the majority of those claims are accepted as a result of they arrive from nations not as nice as the UK. That’s why we deal with folks we discover on these boats so kindly, and ask them to repeat their claims a number of instances and actually drag out the course of.

After a year, some might give you the chance to undertake profitable work in the volunteering sector, or one in every of the jobs on the Home Office Shortage Occupation List which usually require skilled {qualifications} they’ve little likelihood of possessing, and even much less likelihood of getting any proof of.

While they await their resolution, migrants can be in a position to take pleasure in headlines, politicians and idiots demonising them as a sub-human flood of no Earthly use to Britain; compelled to wrestle a bureaucratic system which defeats most native English audio system; and subjected to rising ranges of hate crime from individuals who hear the information however do not question it.

And with luck, after a very long time dwelling on much less per day then is expended on a stray in Battersea Dogs’ Home, they are going to be granted go away to stay, at which level they’re going to be made homeless. After one other 5 years they will apply for everlasting residence, and maybe sooner or later earn sufficient money that they are invited to develop into a Tory MP and marketing campaign in opposition to the unimpeded, asylum-merry-go-spherical of immigration which is all the fault of the French, who are doing precisely what the Tories would if the state of affairs had been reversed.

We want the Tories to be loud about this, as a result of now we have an immigration disaster. Last year immigration dropped 84% and there’s not sufficient folks to do all the jobs, though a lot of Tories are serving to out by doing 2 or 3 every.

UK asylum claims, as a proportion of inhabitants, are additionally half that of EU nations, which suggests we’re actually struggling to appeal to the proper continent-crossing, entrepreneurial expertise.

That’s why Priti Patel has spent 2 years not dashing up the asylum course of, not elevating housing requirements or slicing prices, failing to reform the proper to work, or take away prison gangs from the course of by laying on boats of her personal, which might imply migrants do not die, kids are secure, and all of them arrive with £3,000 every of their pockets with which to set up themselves.

It’s additionally why, 5 years after the Brexit vote, Boris Johnson hasn’t bothered to get a take care of anybody to ship migrants again whence they got here. After all, if we did that, he’d have to dwell in the similar nation as Jennifer Arcuri.

If the Tories did not shout, fairly so usually, about how unhealthy immigration is, then we’d cease and ask ourselves why individuals who are hundreds of miles away from Priti Patel nonetheless suppose that is the best nation in the world.

“Is it any wonder they risk their lives to get here?” bawls the Daily Wail.

Yes. Yes it’s.

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