‘Should I let my mother see her grandson, even though she’s behaving dreadfully?’

Dear Richard

I write in a state of utter despair. Shortly earlier than my marriage this year, my mother started a short however intense marketing campaign to influence my husband to not marry me. Her behaviour was comparable within the run-up to my sisters’ nuptials.

After the marriage, my mother started a equally intense smear marketing campaign in opposition to my husband, falsely claiming (and not using a scintilla of proof) that he’s “violent and abusive”. I ought to say that my personal childhood was blighted by her mood and that of my stepfather, and that she usually used guilty me for “provoking” their rages.

I have urged mediation with my mother. She refuses to attend, however my request has sparked additional groundless accusations. My son is repeatedly asking when he’ll see Grandma once more, however I can not bear the prospect as issues stand.

To make issues worse, I discover myself remoted from my wider household, who “don’t want to get involved” (as I suppose my mother does, too). Please are you able to assist me?

–Anon, by way of electronic mail

Dear Anon

I’m powerfully in favour of grandparents accessing their grandchildren, even in tough household circumstances. Compromises can normally be negotiated, with sufficient goodwill and co-operation on all sides.

A good friend of mine whose spouse was not on talking phrases with her mother used to curate common conferences between his daughter and her grandmother on impartial floor – a jolly native café. He tells me the association labored surprisingly properly.

But I’m unsure I’d need any little one of mine to be in common, or even semi-regular, contact with somebody as poisonous as you make this mother of yours sound. She jogs my memory of Lady Caroline Lamb’s well-known description of Lord Byron: mad, unhealthy and harmful to know.

The most worrying facet of her actions is the way in which they observe a sample. Psychologically, this might be important. You don’t say what number of sisters you’ve gotten, however let’s say there are three of you. And each time one has been engaged to be married, your mother has tried to scupper issues by making hostile, disruptive approaches to every fiancé in flip. This is, to be blunt, extraordinarily bizarre behaviour. I don’t suppose I’ve ever heard of something fairly prefer it however I’m certain any psychologist would have a discipline day with it.

That is likely to be one thing so that you can discover, particularly given the circumstances of your personal childhood.

More not too long ago, your dedication to wed regardless of your mother’s makes an attempt at sabotage has led instantly to those very critical allegations in opposition to your husband, which you say are utterly with out basis.

I suppose that alone could be cheap grounds for breaking off all contact with this girl, for the foreseeable future.

And removed from penalising your son by eradicating him from her orbit, you possibly can be defending him. Who is aware of what poison she would possibly pour into his harmless ear? It appears she’s able to saying absolutely anything that comes into her head if she thinks it’ll injury, scour and wound.

You’ve provided mediation to your mother (which frankly is greater than I would have carried out) and that’s been rejected. Well, nice. Time to drag up the drawbridge and withdraw over the moat.

One extra piece of recommendation: if she makes any extra of those deeply disagreeable allegations in opposition to your husband, ship her a solicitor’s letter. Enough’s sufficient.

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