Feisty and fearless Notebook columnist Melanie Blake has discovered herself in a battle of the blonde bombshells as The Real Housewives Of Chelsea collide…
Image: provided by way of Emmeline Saunders)
In a determined rush to get my new home in Chelsea prepared to transfer into, I’ve doubled the variety of contractors and have spent on daily basis at a dirty constructing web site preserving my eye on progress.
Quick tip right here ladies: in the event you’re out and about, desperately in want of some dry shampoo however can’t discover a store, cast your eyes round for a close-by development web site to pop alongside to – it’ll make your hair drier than an Indian summer time and fluffier than the clouds of Arizona.
Today, inside minutes, I appeared like Dolly Parton circa the mid-80s, and never in a great way.
When renovating homes, it’s solely whenever you’re doing it that you just get to see in case your concepts work. This week, when my new tub arrived, it was too quick for me. It additionally had the distinct look of a nook tub that one in every of the Golden Girls may need wanted assist getting out and in of!
I’m not fairly prepared for that but, so I’ve ordered a bespoke one, roomy sufficient for me to splash round in. I’m an actual tub lady.
I might spend half a day soaking in my favorite bubbles with my laptop computer and snacks to hand, continually topping up the scorching water. I’ve handled myself to bespoke baths in the previous, and the males I’ve dated have liked that.
As it’s possible you’ll know, I’m fairly partial to tall males (over 6ft 2in), so their eyes gentle up after they realise that not solely can they slot in with out cramping their legs up like they’re on an affordable flight, but when they’re fortunate, there’s sufficient area for me to be part of them!
The renovation funds has gone out the window as a result of I’ve modified my thoughts so many instances. In truth, the builders roll their eyes the second I stroll on web site, however I all the time win them spherical by ordering Deliveroos (appears builders all eat McDonald’s so not less than that doesn’t break the financial institution).
I’ve already met plenty of my new neighbours and it seems that my Chelsea deal with is the most well-liked vacation spot of bleach-bottle blondes. This week I met horny blonde Lizzie, an edgy Aussie with an ideal sense of humour. She took pity on the filthy state I used to be in and provided the use of her lavatory.
I’d additionally exchanged pleasantries with the very younger blonde Estonian stunner who’s transferring in along with her a lot older boyfriend, to the flat overlooking my backyard. After my go to to Lizzie’s powder room, I discovered my place empty of builders. But I had an concept the place they have been…
Sure sufficient I known as one in every of their mobiles to uncover that the younger Estonian blonde had requested if they might assist transfer all her furnishings in. With her size 8 determine, waist-size hair, excessive boobs and perky bum clad in skintight leggings, they have been very glad to oblige – all eight of them!
Knowing that each second counts whenever you’re attempting to end a renovation, I used to be in no temper to lend anybody my crew, so I marched over to the open entrance door to witness my complete workforce doing her bidding.
“I don’t know how you usually move house,” I informed her, “but I suggest you get a removal company quickly, because I’m paying for my team to work on my house, not yours!”
The guys, wanting a bit embarrassed, swiftly retreated, however not earlier than I heard one speaking about how scorching my neighbour is. I made a psychological notice to overlook his order on my subsequent quick-meals run.
Oh, and keep in mind my neighbour Lottie, who lives in the penthouse right here (paid for by Daddy)? She’s requested my ex out on a date (he’s the head builder in cost), so I’m about to discover myself in a battle of the blonde bombshells.
Stay tuned beautiful readers, I feel our claws are set to get sharpened as The Real Housewives Of Chelsea collide…
Do you will have any renovation woes – or nightmare neighbour tales – to share? Email Melanie at pocket [email protected]
Melanie’s debut novel Ruthless Women is out now and you may observe her on Twitter and Instagram @MelanieBlakeUK or go to melanieblakeonline.com